Introspection is one of my strong points. The Yamim Noraim (Days of Awe), the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are made for me. These are the days for serious introspection and repentance for our sins during the past year. I eat this stuff up. My issue is that I am hypercritical when it comes to evaluating myself. I’m the poster child for the Not Quite Good Enough club. If I would compose a rap about me, I’m sure that perfection and introspection would be a part of the rhyming sequence.
I had a conversation with someone today and we shared our tales of introspection with each other. Seems like we have a lot in common. After a few minutes, I said that sometimes I wonder if it would be better to be fat, dumb, and happy rather than always looking inside and questioning my abilities, my confidence, my self-worth.
Why can’t I be like Fiero and dance through life and lead the unexamined life? To Fiero, nothing matters so just keep dancing through. Would it be better to for me to be brainless so life could be painless?
I once wrote an article which I called “The Gift of Depression”. My illness almost destroyed me and my family. We went through hell and back for a long time before coming out on the other side. The pain on all of us was almost unbearable. And yet, I am where I am today because of my pain. My family stayed together because the light of love overcame the darkness of illness. I need my pain to make me realize how far I have come and how grateful I am to be where I am today. I need to keep looking at myself to continue to learn and grow. I use my experience and knowledge to serve others. I am a much better person because of the pain.
Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can slough it off as I do
But knowing nothing matters
It’s just life
So keep dancing through.
Fiero learned so much from Elphaba and he stopped just dancing through life. As for me, I may be fat and happy but dumb? Not a chance. I’ll keep looking inward, evaluating, improving, striving, and succeeding.